Pro-Life Stories and Miracles

I don’t  have very many fond memories of my childhood.  I was a pretty miserable kid.  At the time I didn’t know why but in time I figured it out.  Let me start by saying my mother and I have since resolved our differences and we have currently have a healthy and loving mother-daughter relationsip. She was raised the middle child of ten in the mountains of Puerto Rico. There are many reasons why we have the issues that we do. I love her very much but when I was growing up my mother (who was growing up herself) was not a tender woman or interested in me at all.  I don’t remember hugs or kisses or anything but continual contention.  I was either ignored or treated with contempt. My self-worth was non-existent. Grade school through high school was all the same so it was liberating to move away to go to college. 

It was my first year of college when I got pregnant.  There were endless reasons to terminate the pregnancy. The two most prevalent were:  1st the father of the child wanted one, 2nd I would have to quit college and return to my mother’s house.  Given the contentious relationship I had with my mother that thought was horrifying.  Although I had many many reasons to abort, my heart was looking for one person to give me a reason NOT to.  Just ONE person!!  I found none!  So I was escorted into a room with a horrible man who took my baby apart in pieces and threw my child into the garbage. The experience was horrifying.  I could not describe the emptiness I felt.  But time passed and my heart hardened toward the choice that I made.  But every year around the time I knew I was supposed to give birth I would think of him.  My child.  (Something in my heart always said it was a boy.)

After college I moved to NYC as a Flight Attendant initially.  In my time there I also became an actress and was able to procure modeling jobs. I thought I found my identity in my beauty, the entertainment industry and in who I was dating at the time.  I still struggled to find my true identity and purpose for living. 

I developed a spiritual life when I began the practice of prayer. One day as I was flipping through the Bible looking to learn more about God, I ran across  a passage in Psalm 139:

15 My frame was not hidden from you

when I was made in the secret place,

    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;

    all the days ordained for me were written in your book

    before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you

My immediate reaction was joy!  I believed it!  I believed that I was created in the mind of a loving God who wanted me here!! His eyes were upon me inside the womb!! God had a plan and purpose for my life!!  What joy!!  I was so delighted to think about the implications of Gods’ great love for me. THEN… IMMEDIATELY my joy turned into horror when I thought about the child that was once in my womb.  I killed the child that had found his home in MY womb!!  I fell to my knees with tears and pain and repentance from the depths of my soul..  THEN IMMEDIATELY…  I felt relieved.  Like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I KNEW I was forgiven from that moment!! And as I continued to give God praise and thanksgiving I prayed this prayer from the pit of my repentance. I prayed:

“God, thank you for forgiving me.  Now, give me my baby back!!  Not some other baby to replace the one I killed.  But I want you to give me THE SAME BABY BACK!!”

I was journaling in that particular season of  my life.  I felt prompted to write the prayer down in my journal.  As time passed I eventually forgot about it.

Years later I had a dream.

In the dream I was sitting on the kitchen floor (in the dark) in my Brooklyn apartment in much distress and seeking comfort. There was a shadow of feet underneath the front door which signified that there was someone at my door.  Without even waiting for a knock I ran to the door and swung it open.  Standing there was a man, tall, dark, but I couldn’t see the face. I didn’t recognize him with my eyes but my heart was overwhelmed with joy as if I KNEW this person very well.  He came and sat next to me with one arm around me as to comfort me. It was understood that some time had passed and it was time for him to go.  Before he left he said these words (which were the only words he spoke in the whole dream).  He said “I can’t come back until He’s gone.”    And he pointed to my ex-husband (who wasn’t even my husband at the time.)

Again, I recorded this dream in my journal after pondering it until I was exhausted trying to figure out who the guy was.  Eventually it receded further and further back into the recesses of my memories.  Life went on.

Fast Forward:  I had married and quickly divorced my eldest son’s father.  The divorce led me back into my mother’s home in Pennsylvania with my new baby.  During this time several supernatural testimonies were coming to my attention from a show I watched called “It’s Supernatural with Sid Roth”.  Three different stories of three different people who had near death experiences were able to see heaven and come back and tell about it.  In all three accounts  they all saw children in heaven.  Some were killed in wartime and others in other circumstances but what stood out to me was the sea of children who were there because they had been aborted.  Never given a chance to fulfill their divine destinies.  This revelation was bitter and sweet.  Bitter because of what I had done , but so sweet because my child is in Heaven with Jesus!!!  Oh what joy that my baby is ok. (Apparently children who die still grow up in heaven.)

Fast forward:  I made a drastic move from Pennsylvania to Miami.  It was in this season of life that I was re-united with my old college boyfriend.  Our dalliance resulted in a pregnancy.  One day I felt the Lord prompt me to gather my old journals and begin to read them.  He took me to the prayer when I asked for my aborted baby back.  He told me that this prayer had just been answered.  He explained that it would not be the same baby if it is not the same DNA. The man I was recently reunited with and was currently pregnant by was the father of my aborted child!!  Months later I was awakened by the spirit of God to remember the dream I had back in Brooklyn.  The man in the dream who had comforted me was my aborted son!!  And it made sense when he said “I can’t come back until he’s gone.” (meaning my ex husband, who was gone!)  I rejoiced with overwhelming tears and joy and amazement!! God spoke to me clearly that the baby in my womb was the same baby I aborted many years ago. God answered my prayer and RESURRECTED MY ABORTED BABY!!! Over the years I have pondered these things in my heart with intense gratitude to my God who resurrects and restores!

Allow me to digress… One day during my years in NYC I received a call from my mother.  She began to confess with much repentance in her heart that she tried several times to kill me as a baby.  She confessed that she took 2 abortion pills to try to terminate the pregnancy (in the 70’s that abortion pill was black market).  She also confessed to attempting to destroy me many other times.  Every attempt met with failure.  If Planned Parenthood was around then and made it easy for her to terminate,  I would not be alive.  Then it made sense why my childhood sucked so much.   I was able to understand with much more clarity why my mother was so mean to me my whole life.  But God loved me.  Even when my mother could not see my worth.  I found the God who adored me, kept me, saved me, forgave me and answered all my prayers of restoration!!

Today I want to be the woman to give every lost pregnant girl a reason to keep her precious baby.  Each child is designed by a loving God who values the mother and the child more than any of us will ever truly understand this side of heaven.